Note

8/14 sun
8/28 sun
9/18 sun
total : 100 each at least 24
total : 6.5  each at least 6
compulsively, really compulsively push myself forward. : ( 

ah ha, legs LLLLLLL

ah, I want to cut off your legs, and they would be mine 

wasting

+ ugly,obese, unhapply 

vocoder with dragonfly

"I don't think we're meant to stay here very long." 

never mind me chasing empty dream

    freezing  in the cold mountain to wait for a despairing dream. 

"never mind me chasing empty dream"

 

to live to kill liver

兩個小時。

一早起來走了一大段路想提振精神，還是無法專心。

每個細節，顏色，光，影，嘔吐，白沫，牽絲稠呼呼的唾液。即使我努力盯著強光打上的簡報布幕，仍進不去。藝術、25歲、茫然。

酒精以它獨有看不見的揮發方式游走在我們之間，但有時我會搞不清楚,到底也是它讓我們找到一個藉口去讓精神游走。強迫的猛灌，關於味覺是貪婪的接觸，專心的就也只那麼一件事，期待是否會有那噁心難耐的高潮。勉勉強強緊張兮兮掐著塑膠杯，裝了過甜的白酒盤算可以切入的時間點。切入離開的時間。坐了許久仍是光影切割晃蕩。你不要亂說話，為什麼你沒有發現你所有的話都只知道一半。迷幻，再迷幻，很清醒的被擁抱，壓抑不小心讓喉頭不愉快的氣音掙扎到空氣中，我還是很不習慣阿。即使如此輕微還是被發覺，隨即懊惱喪氣的坐再切割的投射地燈中，一半黑一半白的抽著菸，安靜，裊裊。jess一手抽著菸一手啤酒走來橫坐在之間，開始高談闊論，上一句與下一句，最後一句與第一句，都套再一起了，像玄學一樣不斷的重覆浮浮躁噪似懂非懂，光頭痛苦了抱著頭沉思，伏特加讓他無法離開那套索。話變多，話變少，稀稀落落，聽得見，聽不見，並且只看見135度角投射光視線。

刺青的小七店員，提著剛被微波滾燙的粥燙傷的手和一大袋啤酒出現。

倒下。

一個一個。

我還清醒。

我一直都很清醒。

迷幻消失了。醜陋來了，但該是醜陋的卻離的好遠，我不覺作噁喔。接著嘔吐物搥著背腿軟痛苦嘶吼我拍拍肩壓壓肚子，黏稠的唾液夾著泡沫很無聊的在喉頭踩著brownian步伐一進一退再進兩步後退一步。吐了就那麼一點點，人變得好像一隻小猛獸連喝個水都要掙扎五人手忙腳亂，好小好小，像幼兒一般，閉著眼靠著嘴裡張著迷樣的唇語。jess走來，話不多了，正經了，他沒醉。他將yen拉住靠在他盤腿的膝蓋上，碎碎念著自己的名字。我分心了，看著他老去的臉和心下是少年的腿，真的是少年的光滑的腿，盤腿著，呼叫著yen，好小好小，他們都變成了小孩子。

兩個小時不知道怎麼過的，就像早晨的睡眠一樣，以心悸敲打的速度。

當他想講起無聊話時，他會用手指頭以彈鋼琴的方式或許說更琵琶的輪指，敲打手可觸及的鐵製椅腳支架。我突然好想殺他。 

yung  "這種時刻會讓你記住一輩子，也可以說，我們就是為了等待這種時刻而活著。"

The Antlers

The Antlers follow up their breakthrough album Hospice with the new album Burst Apart, which is out May 10 via Frenchkiss in the U.S. and May 9 digitally/May 30 physically in the UK, Europe, and Japan on Transgressive. "Parentheses", streaming above, is our pre-release introduction. Featuring a hypnotic drum loop and sultry falsetto, it's something of a departure from Hospice's cathartic crescendos. (A download of "Parentheses" is included with pre-orders of the album, which are available on the Antlers' site today.)

Read our recent interview with the band about Burst Apart here.

Posted by Ryan Dombal on April 4, 2011 at 2 a.m.

Tags: Audio, The Antlers

To rebel is justified

i go back to see this trailer and feel it thrilling. how heartily it is to shred those vital bill paper. i like to see those guy nervous breakdown when the shredder were processing. i hate to hear about the usage of money from those wealthy man, i wanna kill them, i mean the co-worker sit next to me. could you shut up for a moment plz? how can those ignorant ppl live so properly? i wanna kill them.i luv the scene when the excavator almost  hit  the policeman , and the fountain spray out to let the silence substitute for the sounds. i like the moment, it's fulled of peace and tranquility.i don't like those self-applause people, i hate to be in group. i luv the electro-music in the final chapter, i luv the idea about climbing  up to telegraph poles. i don't like the bullshit kiss.i luv traditional metronome. 

art exist in various forms, but only for classical music artist(sometimes rock ) especially,exist the most portion of superiority people. (other than the music artists,those who are working at painting, designing, photograph for example, seem to be less discriminated with other schools, i mean they tolerate all kinds of different materials easily, and seldom to pretend they are indulging in the influence of art from the painting (or photo) . maybe because there are plenties of music theory, tone and so on to talk about, and group psychology, or just because the elegant atmosphere it seems to be)

Doctor Doctor Give Me Gas (In My Ass)

Money 4 U Honey

Fuck The Music (Kill! Kill!)

Electric Love – The Wires

i split my soul into two part, one is annoying the other is fulled of depressed, and that's all in my weekend. 


i'm getting tired of talking about the issue of lesbian, i think this issue isn't a issue to me, especially those marriages of tom boys, and i don't like to guess the aptitudes of passengers, things shouldn't be like this you know? actually there are no T girls, because we shouldn't classify anything. things shouldn't be defined.


" you guys will never know if you didn't leave taiwan." 
i want!  but i got  too many things to be considered. 
" ya because the situation you've been are too confortable"
did i? i eat cookies to save money.


talking too much exhausts me, but was really really happy to see those lovely friends indeed. miss.   

list: woody allen 2011

dreary

double x iso 400

xtol stock 9"30 mins 

hexar black 

note

Agfa vista plus, iso100 (+1) - FM2
Agfa CT, negative, iso100 (+2) - FM2
Solaris, FG plus, iso 200 ( 0 ) - Hexar black
double x negative, iso 400 ( 0 ) - Hexar black
iso400, xtol: 9'30 fixer B : 5 mins 

Betty blue

憂鬱貝蒂/賴香吟

(人間副刊20031227)

我們約好在信義路與復興南路口，十幾年前，那裡開著一間彼時尚不十分常見的二十四小時不打烊超級市場，即便深夜，也有成排成櫃的豐沛食物，熱鬧音樂。隔鄰地下室是一間廣收國外電影，在八○年代末期知青圈子極為有名的影碟中心。Ｃ來了，領我走下樓梯，已是深夜時分，室內如巢穴般棲息著不少邊幅不修的疲倦臉孔，這兒同樣二十四小時不打烊，Ｃ是這裡的常客，熱烈掛在她嘴邊的幾部電影多半出自此處。

我們沒有花時間挑片，Ｃ約我來之前便說好了來看Betty Blue，憂鬱貝蒂。我毫無概念，從名字也摸不著頭緒。服務生領著我們到房間裡去，手腳俐落弄好了設備，才帶上門，影片一開場便赤裸裸湧上一場性愛。記憶裡，可能是還在摸索位置，也可能是還好奇著週遭的氣氛，待回神看到螢幕已然歡愛呻吟之際，臉上不免湧上尷尬神情，好似荒唐闖進他人房間，目睹了不該看的畫面。 

那份尷尬狼狽，今天想起來，多少反映了八○年代末期的拘謹氣氛；那是四年級前輩感嘆「美好而秩序」的年代的最後關口，我與Ｃ，前腳雖已興奮踩進未來的九○年代，但後腳不免還沾黏著啟蒙的八○年代習氣……，因而，那樣一場赤裸，直接，毫不遮掩，長達五分鐘的性愛開端，在我們扭捏望著的同時，不留餘地揭開了我們心中某些區域，使人臉上不禁燒紅起來。那五分鐘內，我沒有轉頭去看Ｃ，電視螢幕裡映現的她的臉，模糊而看不清表情，我不知道當下她想些什麼，我甚至猜疑Ｃ是否已經看過這部片子，那麼，今日約我來看又是為何呢？我想著這些，臉紅心跳中有了一絲尷尬，進而又湧上了一點悲哀。在Ｃ與我之間，到底是怎樣的一種情感呢？這是那個年代無法回答的問題。我們一起端坐著，觀看眼前赤裸的異性交歡，理所當然的傲慢與快樂。Ｃ不發一語，連一句輕鬆調笑都沒有，她平常可能會這麼做的，為什麼此刻她不呢？我坐立難安，不知自己該表示什麼。現實也許只是五分鐘的僵局，在記憶裡卻顯得極端漫長。

這之後所發生的故事，相對則以極快的速度進行了。憂鬱貝蒂在記憶裡留下了鮮明的黃與藍，洋溢青春的情調，從頭到尾沒有一句聽不懂的對白，沒有一個弄不清的時序，可是，影片終場，我們卻心事重重。我與Ｃ走出那間蒼白而又激情的影碟中心，走上通往八○年代終點的夜涼馬路。我不記得那一夜後來我們說了什麼，也不清楚那一夜的憂鬱貝蒂，在我們兩人的歷史裡刻下了什麼。很長一段時間，我甚至不明白憂鬱貝蒂是怎樣的一部片子，不明白貝蒂如此率性何以仍感到憂鬱，不明白她說生命老是在阻擋我是什麼意思，不明白一個人如何能夠挖掉自己的眼睛……。 

我與Ｃ疏遠了

太多事不明白，自然也不足以明白當年的Ｃ。燒得燙手，重得像鉛的Ｃ。她在桌前一寫好幾個鐘點，一談起喜愛的書與電影便激動莫名。她翻開託朋友出國買來的雜誌，指給我看：這是村上春樹，這是太宰治，這是三島由紀夫。她正反覆讀著剛出版的《挪威的森林》，我無動於衷，只答應她總有一天我會看。村上春樹後來徹徹底底暢銷了，我卻始終沒讀《挪威的森林》。我在拒絕什麼？一整個時代的流行？還是僅僅關於Ｃ的感情？C與她的一幫朋友，在夜闇酒館裡且歌且哭，每個時代都必然有過的意氣風發、挫敗孤獨，他們所擁護的人與書，理論與電影，日後或許成為某一類靈魂的認證標記，可我卻無動於衷；在隱隱然觸著了Ｃ的神秘熱情之際，我同時敏感到了熱情之中所往往挾帶之不可言說的危險痛苦──，倘若我們只能對坐無語，那麼，目睹Ｃ宛如一隻美麗驕傲的孔雀，跳著那些炫目的知識之舞啊，徒然使人傷感，身外之物。

我與Ｃ後來疏遠了。我們之間，還需要很多很多的時間，來等待簾幕一重一重揭開。記憶裡有了一段極端安靜的時光。諸多聯繫Ｃ的符碼，匿步走進我的生活。我密釀在文字與影像的大酒缸裡，在新生南路台大對面，某些現在已毫無痕跡可辨識的密閉空間裡，拿著以月計費的票根，一小時又一小時，一天又一天，獨自關在隔音棉板分割的小房間裡，Ｋ書般看盡了柏格曼，塔可夫斯基，楚浮，高達，維斯康提，小津安二郎，這些人名成為我九○年代開頭的背景。悲苦黯淡的小人物，縫隙裡如蟻如狗的生存與交歡，安靜悠長如逝去之夢的人間小曲，罪惡與良心的大眾世相；無論絕美驚心也好，獎善懲惡也好，老舊的黑白畫面總是危顫顫在小電視螢幕裡變換著，好像隨時都可能燒壞，連配音也是沙啞不清的。離開小房間之際，我通常已兩眼紅澀，說不上來有什麼重要理由非這樣繼續看下去不可。然而明天，後天，我還是會來到同樣的小房間，在那個密閉場域，繼續孤獨地觀看那些伸出手去絕對觸不著，可心靈卻為之激動混亂的各種人生，直到螢幕乾澀打出了FoIon，我起身離開，靈魂軀體皆疲憊不堪地走上大街，目睹九○年代的火種正逐漸地，逐漸地翻燒起來。

卑微而瘋狂的愛情

日後我很少再想起憂鬱貝蒂，直到某個星期天早晨，在異國跳蚤市場，努力搜尋廉價家具的同時，無意看到一張面熟如故人的臉，那是憂鬱貝蒂，手托下巴在黃與藍的天際線下瞪著我。一張標著三十七點二度Ｃ的二手ＣＤ。我買下了它，在租來的狹小房間裡重複播放了好幾年。三十七點二度Ｃ，比體溫高一點的，激情。我在腦中搜尋記憶，那漫長的五分鐘，以及其後的故事：一個來路不明的女子，與，一個無法面對現實的海邊油漆工的，愛情。這樣的廣告文案：「絕對心痛的愛情，碰上一次就完了。」不免使我驚動。同時，我發現它還有另一個名字：「巴黎野玫瑰」。時移事往，聽起來像另一部不相干的電影，憂鬱轉成了一個野字。我想起與Ｃ的約定，決定為她來讀一讀《挪威的森林》，然而，只在第一章，我的眼光便停住了。渡邊對直子說：你要學著放鬆，把力量從肩膀鬆開，鬆開，你懂嗎？直子搖頭，給他一個固執而悽慘的笑容：不行，這樣一鬆開的話，我整個人恐怕就要散掉了。

與Ｃ重逢的時候，我並沒有告訴她，我為她讀了村上春樹。Ｃ對我的生活很有意見，不談戀愛，不搞聯誼，和外界互動微乎其微。碰到過不去的時候怎麼辦呢？她宛若已經非常嫻熟於生存技巧似地，說得非常溫和。在她開出來的一大堆生存藥方裡，包括具體而即時逼迫我去買了一部錄影機。我們在人聲鼎沸的電器大賣場花了許多時間選購機器，然後彷彿回到當年信義路與復興南路口，在二十四小時不打烊的百事達錄影帶出租店一邊談話一邊挑選片子。已然消瘦衰微的Ｃ說起每部影片的故事，口吻比我們天真青春的時代還要熱烈，還要虔誠。我開始感到不安。但一切都太遲了。我們一同重看了「雙面維若妮卡」、「新橋戀人」：一個卑微而癲狂的愛情，比多年之前的憂鬱貝蒂，更使我感到殘酷，不明白。 

最後留下來的只是那台錄影機。我把Ｃ挑了而來不及看的片子給一部一部看完，接著，撈著她遺留的訊息，或者只是我隱約摸出來的路數，三天兩頭進攻百事達。百事達先生不僅記住了我這外國人的臉孔，且十分友善地問：你的朋友呢？我禮貌而微笑回答：她先走了。

流浪者之歌，碧海藍天，直到世界末日，各式各樣終將隨時間淡老而去的片名，重複又重複刷洗著我鄰近世紀末的日子，自毀般的心情，我誓言，總有一天，我將對這些殘酷而媚惑的事物失去所有感覺，屆時，我將不再為任何痛苦動容。我固執地挑戰著，兩眼乾澀無感，直至某日，遭遇一支稱為「夜夜夜狂」（LesNuits Fauves）的片子，片名煽情至此，教人忍不住輕蔑，孰料悲劇無孔不入，一夕我竟淚流滿面。

(賴香吟，東京大學總和文化研究碩士，著有小說集《散步到他方》、《霧中風景》，現任職於國家台灣文學館。)

hey, 大概就是這樣心碎很多年。  

back,

beach house - walk in the park 

derek trucks band- our love

beach house - walk in the park 

   

my dear friend,

tristesse of today belongs to you

i'm afraid of the depression killing you

i don't care about suicide or death

but i do care if i lost one of my best friends.

Jamie Beck

Montréal

5.8

  i fought against with a preacher. I knew this is a endless war but i just could't help myself to debate with her. How can you forgive people with the commiserate attitude? but anyway, just a little argue happening every morning breakfast time. 

  i thought we should never judge people that we don't know , like you can't conclude the smoking behaviors is a kind of escaping attitude and those smoker are the loser in this society. it couldn't  be right, i don't think the positive thought  makes a positive way out. why can't those successful ones smoke?

acquire, acquire, acquire, how much do you think it will be? i just want to live within it. 

5.9

  he said he came from a far far away place and he took my hand seems sincerely, but i just cant trust in them, 'coz i don't believe in humane being. sorry. 

  history museum, those old stuff , in the 1 floor there are 90 old antique inherited hundred years ago that specific selected from artests or studio maker and so on. the second floor are the history line connected each other like ice breaker, freeze weather, paranoxx (what) and aboriginal culture (but i just glanced those quickly). walking out of the museum with good mood, along the Rd. Brookshore i dropped by the the campus McGill , walked around and sat on the grass seeing those young guys playing fling disc, and listening to the Broken Social Scene at the mean time, everything won't be better. 

5.10

  woke up early, having a nice breakfast and coffee, it was time to the conference. three hours for the topics about the functional MRI really twist my spirit. and until the 11 am the topics was  finally end then i went out to find something fun. along the unknown street i lost myself in the building jungle. and so i incidentally change my mind to vist place d'art. 

- one black man asked me the direction

- one madam, one young man, one old man automatically came close to ask me if help is needed. 

- one old man pass though and stood half meter in front of me face to face, and open his month, said , bonjour. then walk away. 

  then i got the information that i hv no allowance. 

5.11

Jean-pierre Gauthier

the muséee dàrt contemporain de montréal, the moca museum down town was scary enough! there was a small  chamber in face with the entrance, and i walked inside, approached the piano with a lot of wires and electro-instruments connecting on it, as i was curiously stepping forward, the piano suddenly made a monstrous sounds automatically scaring me. then i discovered that it sensed the movement around and the velocity and strength changing the melodies. And i was really surprised that the the melodies were really fascinating even it seems like a random form of program. in spite of this piece, there are many other kinds of interactive pieces and I was impressed of the double projection film by Shirrin Neshat. it's written on the tour guide: the double projection od Shirin Neshat's Soliloquy brings out the twofold solitude of women experiencing rejection in the East and living in the West. Skilfully scripted and turned into images, the two stories meld reminiscences of the past, traditional and contemporary architectural references, the date and emancipation of Muslim women, and conventional male and female roles. the "soluloquy"of the title expresses a certain inevitability with respect to the hman condition.
5.12 
conference all day long, and we went to eat the Schwarts, it's a famous store down town which sells smoky meat.  the smoke meat was really great but all other Taiwaneses didn't like it. 
we met the Boston Uncle (nick name) three times at that day, even  did we in the farewell party, that's really strange, did he follow us? and we said farewell to the  Beard Uncle, a french waiter in the meeting, he loved to talk with us since his watching work was really bored. he gave us a special badge which represents the conference building . he said these presents are only for special people : ) do we?
5.13
we went the small island located south-east. we visited the BIOPHÉERE,  a museum about the environment issue. exhibition planning are quiet different from Taiwan, but i can't tell what the differences are ,well. i luv those dress designing, especially the cassette tapes - made clothing. really astonishing! 
5.14
get on the flight, and back to sweet home on Sun. and ran out for the photo exhibition!  

Coca Cola, sometimes WAR