Ill Fares Land

從另一方面來說，儘管有所謂的一九八九年的"教訓"，我們知道政府並非完全是壞事。只有一件事比太多政府更壞，那就是太少政府。在在失能的國家裡，人們遭受的暴力與不正義至少會跟在極權統治下一樣多，此外再加上他們的火車不準時。再者，如果我們多花一點時間思考這個問題，就可以見到，二十世紀"社會主義對抗自由體制"或"共產主義對抗資本主義"這樣的道德故事是有誤導意味的。資本主義並不是政治體系，而是一種經濟生活的形式;資本主義在實踐上可以跟右翼的獨裁體制(皮諾契統治下的智利）、左翼的獨裁體制(當前的中國)、社會民主主義的君主憲政(瑞典）以及富人統治的共和政體（美國）通通相容。資本主義經濟是否在自由的政體下才最繁榮發展？這答案或許比我們想像中還要不確定。

The Museum of Innocence

THIS IS what I observed while traveling the world, and wandering through Istanbul. There are two types of collectors:

1. The Proud Ones, those pleased to show their collections to the world (they predominate in the west)

2. The Bashful Ones, who hide away all they have accumulated ( and unmodern disposition) 

The Bashful collect purely for the sake of collecting. like the Proud, they begin - as readers will have noticed in my own case - in pursuit of an answer, a consolation, even a palliative for a pain, a resolution of difficulty, or simply out of a dark compulsion. 

In the writing of this book, Pamuk was influenced by the Bagatti Valsecchi Museum in Milan, Italy, as he noted in the museum's guestbook on June 27, 2007: “It is the third time that I have visited this extraordinary museum. I love this house, the idea and the imagination that hide behind these walls. They influenced me a lot for the novel I am writing, ''The Museum of Innocence''. I am happy to be here for the third time.”

This controlled atmosphere can be justified in part by the obsessiveness of the character of Kemal, whose mania is exhausting for the first couple hundred pages of The Museum of Innocence, and then simply becomes part of the air of the novel. Kemal thinks his main psychological problem (he has a few) is that he is unable to recognize happiness in the moment, as it is happening. This is the human condition, as Pamuk is at pains to enunciate in both the novel and catalog, and Kemal’s inability to know happiness as it happens isn’t unusual. Neither is it unusual that Kemal, like other lovers, dwells unhealthily on objects that his beloved has worn or touched
What is peculiar about Kemal’s case is that these objects become his main obsession, even while his beloved is still alive. Rather than trying to win Fusün back, or free her from her loveless marriage, or even get to know her better, Kemal becomes addicted to gathering and handling Fusün-related objects. Her untimely death doesn’t interrupt this fetishistic collecting, but intensifies it.

Wasser

Please help me build a small boat
One that'll ride on the flow
Where the river runs deep
And the larger fish creep
I'm glad of what keeps me afloat

Sigrid Undset

It supposes to be delighted now she feels grief, she kisses over the dead head, the curly spread on the forehead, the dark skin, dark lips, as going through vicissitudes. At the same time, her son stand at the door, with pack on his back. 

He killed his father, now he is gonna going elsewhere, like what his father did.

The Raven

Deep into the darkness peering, Long I stood there, Wonder fear.
Doubting, Dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before.

- Allen Poe, The Raven - 

Never Find the Drugs

傍晚的西雅圖寒天凍地，吐出的氣白煙裊裊。Angela請Mark來接我，路上塞了點車，叫我找個地方安置。我買了咖啡握著它一絲一絲散去的溫度坐在街椅上。
一名穿著淺灰色運動外套，白色燈籠褲的女子狂笑走來，她在空氣中發出了很多聲響，再穿插著猙獰的憋笑， 接而仰天狂笑。他對我說了一句話“你看起來是一個人”，就把東西扔到我身旁的空位，坐下來。他情緒高昂，話沒講完就呵呵大笑，連續轉頭對我微笑很多次。我回了他幾個微笑，他說什麼我聽不懂。他問我是否從法國來，我愣了一下”no...” 於是我們沈默一陣子。他拿出黑色大型曼谷包裡乾淨的手套，他全身都很乾淨，像是剛從烘衣機走出來一樣。他戴上左邊手套後，我無聊的問，他要去哪裡。她轉頭過來，亢奮的情緒突然掉到詭異狐疑的狀態，她含著怒氣問我，她看起來像是要到別的地方的樣子嗎？我聳肩，說“你像是收ㄇ拾了很多東西要前往別的地方”。她突然像是受到非禮一般不可理喻的帶上右邊手套，邊搖搖頭，伸手又往袋子裡找別的東西，嘴角還一邊發出摩擦的嘖嘖聲，相當不滿。我怕惹到她不開心，所以就望向別處喝著兩美元難喝的咖啡。眼角看到他在袋子裡抽出了黑色的透膚絲襪，其實當下內心有點恐懼，雖然知道Seattle的homeless不太會侵犯到路人，但畢竟我隻身在外，若有個萬一，很難對朋友有交待，但現實總不抵被害妄想險惡。她拿出黑色絲襪從後頸繞到額頭在左耳旁打了一個蝴蝶結，當下心裡大已明白，原以為她只是妥瑞氏症發作，但看樣子她當是吸毒或是精神異常了。我們再也沒對話，就安靜的坐在街椅上。

Mark打了電話過來後我就起身離去，我回望了一下她不確定要不要致意一下，她卻省了我的煩惱直愣愣的望著對街空洞的望著。

上車以後，她也起身離開，臉上再也沒有笑容

K.

前兩天w的臉又浮出我的夢裡，我幾乎要忘記了他是什麼人。索性連聽了Tori Amos數日，我寫著程式邊掉眼淚，我只是回到很熟悉不可名狀的狀態，那個狀態讓人難過想死。但練習過的悲傷演練多次以後，黑絲絨的怪氣會在幾小時後自動散去。

我看到的愛情沒能告訴我方向 我只為藝術而活
這話說來猖狂毫無實質票卷意義但對我來說卻是無比明確

當Patti Smith初見the door的表演時，僅僅沈靜的看著Jim Morrisson，時常我蹲在黑色地毯上想著也是這麼一件事情，他們看到的與我看到的並無二致，而他們的枯竭焦慮我早已走過不回頭了。 

Exist is not the issue if I don't survive

我聽著他的鼻息，他沈沈入睡，微微的氣體通過表皮上薄薄的肌膚，窸窸窣窣。

最後他打起呼嚕聲，我聽著，覺得安心。

我走在路上看著北極星發亮，我總是習慣於訕笑別人的天真愚蠢與世故。我的諷刺越發激烈，攻擊性越強，於是最終沒人願意在與自大的我言語上妥協交往。

我沈迷在遊戲人間，我以為我只是繞個路前往北極星。

我不知道寫了一座城市可以帶來什麼，因人們只發現玩弄房地產所帶來的短期附加價值。

我想我的城市只是坐落我的空虛寂寞，只是實現我與人世間的互相價值，所謂肯定。

我想我的城市只是複雜化我每一步的錯誤，以合理我過去的步伐都在軌道上，但這些路鋪著鋪著還是在這二維空間上打轉，我到不了北極星。

他的影像很理性，像是剔除腸泥的蝦子肉，乾乾淨淨的毫無感情。因為他正是要分析感情，分析存在，所以他不能有任何感情，他總是站在外面看著的。

看著我的角色變成了她而最終全成為了她，我望著角色原來自己曾經是被這樣解讀，我望著角色原來她其實正是她，我僥倖地想著，這樣很好。

市區地路空曠，這裡不是台北市。chilly chilly 寒冷往我衝來，我開始想起在22歲畏首畏尾的把靈活藏在寒冷的地方，再回到溫暖的亞熱帶哭泣，我的靈魂，我的靈魂。